I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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