I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
