I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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