when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
