I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
