he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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