I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
