On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
