how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
