yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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