And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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