I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
