Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
