Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
why do cheetos always look like penises
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
