We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I have post one night stand depression
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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