He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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