3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
