Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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