why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
