I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
