I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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