i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
