i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
