Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
