Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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