Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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