i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I know her cup size but not her name....
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
