Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
