Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
