Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
