Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
