Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
