Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
