Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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