Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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