Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
