how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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