I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
