After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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