my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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