I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
