Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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