Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
