I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
