Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
