If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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