Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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