I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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