I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
