well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
