I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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