I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
