I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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