Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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