In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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